Affliction
It was noon and he was entirely engrossed in his work. There was no genuine interest but he had his mother to look after. He loved being alone with his unfiltered and unstoppable thoughts, thought that takes him nowhere and yet, he feels exhausted. There was nothing to celebrate about life for him. Life was something that he had to go through. He had a bad past, a bleak future and a present that is going nowhere. His mother calls him James, and father has given him no name. His childhood was a deep barrel of adversities. He was never loved by his dad, for him his dad was someone who would drink, come home and sleep. The financial crises at home, not having a childhood to remember, drop out of school and not going to college at all had made him stone hearted, it was agony that had built up, but now, the settled molten magma of anger has turned his heart into a numb organ.. Nobody remembered his last laugh, last smile and last carefree breathe. He had a wall built by him which he would never take down front of people, it is only in the solitary where he was only he.
You know there are times in our lives, when we cross the phase of anger and it gets settled in. Inside our souls. This creates an unknown chaos beneath. Like, even for us it becomes harder to understand what are we exactly expecting ourselves to do. This cannot be verbally explained as such, but see if you can relate. This phase is somewhat similar in situations like, you lose your way on the trip and you are left somewhere in the mid of a vast stretch of desert. You are angry, frustrated, sad, disappointed, but eventually you begin to explore the sand. You adapt your living there, but in the corner of your soft heart, you miss your home. There is nobody whom you will complain, nobody who is responsible for this. It is only you and that empty vast sand to yell and to live beside.
James, had come across so many things in life that for him nothing more was breakable. He was now a man at the age of thirties with scars on his face, which are embossed much deeper in his heart. James was a thin man with a height of 5.8 feet. He stayed in a nearby cottage with his aged and pale mother. His daily job was of a carpenter, but that, too, he was doing because he had his mother to look after him,. James socialized less and most of the time after closing the shop he would spend his time in the forest, looking at the trees and birds and reminding him that he survived. He survived through all the blues and blacks of his life.
His survival through all the adversities used to make him feel glad about himself, but, the very thought of what next? Used to gloom in front of him reflecting that his future is dull and dark. He had no personal interest as such since his childhood never allowed anything in him to develop apart from anger and anxiety, but he was dead sure that carpentry is certainly what he can't do all his life. He was an aimless man haunting like a hunter for an aim, an aim to carry forward his life. He never cursed anybody for a ruined childhood. He had accepted the fact, but his only anxiety was his future. He wished to do something, but what? The ordeals of his life, were enough to break him, but his inexhaustible faith that somewhere, something will make his life turn kept him going.
That day, unaware of what is in store for him, he packed his bag and closed down his shop. He was a man who would never smile, nor talk. For James, his solitude meant all. After having a life filled with adversities he hardly trusted anyone. For him, everybody was a stranger, a person know from half a decade or the person passed by him 5 minutes ago, really didn’t make any difference. As he was walking down the lane towards the forest there was a thought in his mind – “what if, I had a good past?” he murmured it to himself. This seemed fascinating to him and he began to think about it. Moving ahead, in a slow pace this thought began to linger deeper in his mind.
“What if I had a good past?” – he shouted louder as if he was seeking for an answer somewhere in the forest. He looked around and could sense the void, the void in his forest and another void inside him. It wasn’t that he was not under peace, or he was burning inside. The storm of his heart had got settled, but now he was in search of things that the storm took away, certainly a goal, an aim and a path.
Walking about few kilometers, he was now away from the city. The hustle bustle of the city has always been annoying to him. For him this forest was his place. He could relate to the place because the forest was as empty as he is. The forest was filled with trees, but no sign of human habitat similar to his heart. He reached the place which he prefers sitting on always. It was a rock, from which one can see a river flowing towards the east. James put down his bag and settled on the rock.
“I would have been in university now, doing my PHD in something” – he wondered as an answer to his own question. His eyes got moist, and he showed no sign of hiding. For him, this forest was the only place where he can be himself, he can complain about his life, his problems and show how weak he is. A pang of pain struck him like it used to every day. This was not new to him, but here he was able to be himself, unafraid of being judged or laughed at.
James never shared his deep down worries with his mom as well, because for him it was difficult for him to provide a dress of words to his feelings. They were tangled and unexplained, naked feelings that can only be understood and not explained. James was stuck somewhere in the middle and was unable to find anyway. Each day, he would only think and rethink about his past, present and future, but there was no solution to it, in his sight.
“My life is strangled, at an unknown place where neither I can hold the hand of death, nor I, can take a breath.” – he wrote on the soil near his feet. His moist eyes looked up toward the sky as if, he is complaining something to god. In the midst of these thoughts, something broke the link. A crackling sound of sticks on the ground and a moan that one does when one is injured. James turned back towards the direction from where the sound was coming, but he could see nothing. It was getting darker also. He still didn’t give up and made attempts to follow the sound and suddenly near an old tree he found a man. This man was sitting taking a support of the tree, it was visible that no energy is left inside him through which he can help himself.
“Holy shit! What happened? You are bleeding so much!” – cried James in astonishment
The man was profusely bleeding and was struggling to breathe. He was bald, wearing a black jacket and covering his mouth with a cloth. James removed that cloth and tried to pick the man up. “I can take you to the hospital” – said James hurriedly. He took his hand in an attempt to carry the man on the back, but the man refused to move.
“Let me finish, be my end” – said the man while he was still struggling to breathe. “All my life, I only tried to escape. I tried escaping from cops, truth and reality as well. I am a criminal, I troubled lots of people, I have murdered many men and raped many women. I am a ruthless butcher of mankind, I have been assassinating lives, future, dreams, bonds, and families all together. I have been kidnapping children from the nearby villages. I.. I feel terrible about it now, I am not the one who should be counted in the human race, I am a beast or probably someone more pathetic than that ” he added. James gave a deeper look to the man, and said “ listen, I don’t care if you are a criminal or not, for me, you are a man profusely bleeding and my job is to save your life. So don’t talk and come.” James held his hand, but the man again refused to move.
“Now please listen, let me at least accept my flaws before I die. I was not like this before. I had a bad past, I belonged to a lovely family here I had two sisters as well. My dad was secretary in a company and my mother used to take care of us. You know on Sundays we used to go on the beach and play together. I still remember, her sandwiches. She was the best mom ever. “ – Tears roll down his cheek and James was looking in his eyes, carefully listening with no sign of rush. “She used to oil my hair every Saturday and drop me to school but, in the month of May when I was just 12 years old I lost her. She was suffering from an ailment and we couldn’t get her proper treatment. When she died, I didn’t only lose my mother, but also my childhood.” – he continued. James felt as if, the man wants to vent out everything that he had in his head before taking his last breathe.
“After a year, my dad bought me a step mother. She was not less that a witch. I was tortured and assaulted in every possible way. I used to get beaten up and do every household work for her. Working was not my problem but she never loved me either.” – the man stopped in mid. “And your dad?” James asked out of curiosity. “My dad was murdered by her.” – he said with a tinge of anger in his teary eyes.
“One fine day I managed to run out of the house and never returned. I had no place to stay, I was 14 years old boy with nobody to look after me. But, I didn’t cry, I was not weak. I decided to take revenge. I knew whole world is bad. I got mixed with a gang of criminals. My future was dark I know but at least I could take revenge.” He added, with a sign of grief. “Revenge? From whom?” James asked calmly
“My revenge was against the world, I was against the entire world. Here I got wrong, I failed to realize that what I am seeing as revenge is actually burning me. I took the entire world against me, troubling innocent people, making kids orphan, making woman widow and raping them. I do not deserve to stay alive, therefore I don’t want you to get dirty.” He sighed.
James has nothing to say, he was wondering inside. His past was black too, he has a bleak future as well, but he is not a criminal. Certainly that is what makes him peaceful. Yes, he is still in search of something somewhere, but at least there no burns in him. His adversities were not less, but, James survived through all. They didn’t overpower his goodness, instead he overcame them.
Life is never just a plain long road to deal with, there are times when you will crumble, face obstacles, you might get heavily injured, you might get disillusioned.. There are A hundred things that can happen because life is not just unpredictable it is uncertain too. If good times have come, they shall pass too… you cannot be happier always and you have to fight your ordeals.
“Wait, I will get you water.” James said and moved towards the river. He has an empty bottle with him. The man drank the water and closed his eyes. James could understand that his wrinkled face is at peace now. His eyes are no longer struggling. It seemed to him as if the man has accepted the reality. He has released his mistake and now he is ready to hold the hand of death and get disconnected with the sins that he has committed on earth. James’s eyes got filled too. He wiped them off.
After a while, James held the chin of the man, but he was cold now. The man was no longer alive. James kept staring at him and certainly he got an answer To his question. The question that he asked himself. “What if I had a good past”.
There is nothing like a good or a bad past, everything is a matter of choice, an opportunity to experience and understand what to avoid. “Your future. Is the outcome of the decisions that you take, the choices that you make, the deeds that you perform, it is all in your hand and yet people say that THE future belongs to nobody. Difficult times are unfavourable, and that cannot be denied but there are things that still lie in your fist. It you chose to go with the flow like the man did, the restlessness in your heart is not because you had a bad past but because you let it overpower your future too.
James went towards the main street and called the cops to help him in taking the man out of the forest. For the first time ever in several years, James was feeling like he has reborn. He knew what he should do, he knew why he is still alive.
Days, weeks and months passed. James never looked back since then. He is still doing the job of a carpenter, but now there is something else he does as well. Every week he takes time and does counseling in school, colleges and everywhere, wherever he could find a bunch of people to listen. He would share his own experience, but at the back of his mind, he had started thanking his destiny in making him go through all those difficulties. James charges nothing for his counseling and he feels that his encounter with the man who was on the verge of dying, and the words that he got to hear was the only reward that James could have asked for. It took him out of his void space of life, and now he had started embracing people.
“Each difficult phase of your life, stands tall like an opportunity to make a choice. A choice that lies between being overpowered or overcoming it.”
